Crime Script

Three criminals are sitting in a classic car that is parked in a back alley. JUSTIN is in the driver’s seat. He is wearing glasses with tape around the brim, and appears to be the brains of the group. HOWARD is sitting in the passenger seat. He is a big guy who looks like he could put a hurtin’ on a dude, and obviously acts as the muscle of the group. CHAMBERS is occupying the back seat, breathing very heavily. His role in the gang isn’t evident based on his physical appearance, as he is a very average looking dude.

CHAMBERS
Guys, I can’t sit in this car any longer.

JUSTIN
Oh yeah, forgot how claustrophobic you were.

HOWARD
Why don’t you get out and take a walk.

CHAMBERS
I’m gonna. I think I’m gonna go check out the inside of the jewelry store.

JUSTIN
You’re gonna walk into the store that we plan on robbing at about this time tomorrow?

CHAMBERS
Yeah. I might fill out an app.

JUSTIN
An app?

CHAMBERS
An application?

JUSTIN
You’re going to fill out an application for the store that we plan on robbing at about this time tomorrow?

CHAMBERS
Yup.

JUSTIN
Okay. Just wanted to double check.

CHAMBERS climbs out of the two door car awkwardly, because HOWARD refuses to get out of the car. He walks across the street and marches through the front door of a jewelry store. PRESTON, a middle aged melvin-y looking sales clerk greets him. 

PRESTON
How you doing there partner?

CHAMBERS
Uh, good. 

PRESTON
What can I do for you today?

CHAMBERS
I was actually wondering if I could fill out an application.

PRESTON
Oh! Sure thing, one sec.

PRESTON digs behind the counter until he finds an application. He lays it out and slides it over to CHAMBERS. CHAMBERS grabs a pen and tries to lean as far away from PRESTON as possible. PRESTON hovers over CHAMBERS and watches his every move.

PRESTON
You wouldn’t be interested in hearing what we have on sale would you?

CHAMBERS
Why would I want to buy something here man?

PRESTON
What do you mean?

CHAMBERS (stumbling)
I mean I can just wait until I get hired, and I can get a discount anyway.

PRESTON
Employees don’t get discounts here.

CHAMBERS
Oh.

CHAMBERS finishes the application and slides it back to PRESTON.

CHAMBERS
Well, thanks. Hope to hear from you guys soon.

CHAMBERS walks out and PRESTON goes into the back room to give the application to his boss. MR. HAMGROVE is sitting behind his desk smoking a cigar.

MR. HAMGROVE
Have you made a sale yet today?

PRESTON
No sir. The only person in here today so far just filled out an application. He wasn’t interested in buying anything.

MR. HAMGROVE
You’re useless. Give me that.

MR. HAMGROVE snatches the application away and dismisses PRESTON. PRESTON closes the door behind him on his way out.

20 HOURS LATER

PRESTON makes his way back into the office, only now his face is bruised and bleeding. 

PRESTON
Mr. Hamgrove! We’ve just been robbed!

MR. HAMGROVE
Are you kidding me? Call the police and then pack your stuff, you’re useless. 

PRESTON
What?

MR. HAMGROVE
You’re fired! Now get out of here. I’ll call the police.

PRESTON leaves MR. HAMGROVE’s office once more, again closing the door behind him on the way out. 

The three criminals are back at their hideout, examining their take for the day. They are knocking back drinks and making quite a bit of noise and also farting. A knock raps across their front door. JUSTIN walks up to the door and answers it. The first thing he catches sight of is a badge being flashed in the crack. A foot kicks open the door and OFFICER TUTTON makes his way inside. All three criminals freeze up and have no idea what to do.

TUTTON
How you gentlemen doing? Don’t look so frightened, I’m actually not here to arrest you. You see, I actually live next door. I’m assuming it was you guys who knocked over the jewelry store downtown today, based on all that jewelry you got there Howard. I know who all you guys are, I did a background check on you as soon as you moved in. Don’t even think about offering me any of that jewelry as a bribe, I’m not a dirty cop. Sure I should arrest you all, but I have a good reason not to. I know the guy who is in charge of the operation to bring you boys in, and to be quite honest with you, the guys a dick. I love making his life hell. Anyways, listen. Me and my kid over there are trying to watch a movie over at my place, and all I can hear is you guys making a racket. Just keep it down, I only have him for the weekend, alright?

All three criminals are staring dumbfounded at TUTTON.

TUTTON
Okay, great. Have fun guys. Quiet fun.

TUTTON turns around and leaves. All three criminals still stay frozen in their amazement. 

PRESTON is in a seedy looking apartment with RASCAL, a drug and weapons dealer. RASCAL speaks with an Irish accent and appears very unhygienic. PRESTON is piling bottles and bottles of pills into a shopping bag. A pile of new jewelry is sitting in front of RASCAL. 

RASCAL
Be careful how you take all that stuff. Take it the wrong way and you’ll end up in a coma, or dead. 

PRESTON
Yeah, yeah. Listen, I need a gun too.

RASCAL
Whatchu need a gun for?

PRESTON
Listen I just lost my job today. That jewelry there was my going away present. I have no use for it. I’d rather have something more fun to occupy myself.

RASCAL
Alright, whatever man. Whatchu need?

PRESTON walks out of the apartment with a full bag and a concealed weapon. He immediately pops open a bottle of pills and starts putting them down. PRESTON wanders around for the better part of the day, letting the drugs guide him. He finally stumbles down the street, where the three criminals have parked their classic car. PRESTON takes an immediate liking to it. He makes his way into the house that the car is parked outside of. He pulls out his gun before he enters the house and catches the three criminals sitting at a table eating.

PRESTON
Give me the keys to your car 

JUSTIN
What?

PRESTON
Shut your fucking ferris-wheel mouth!

JUSTIN
Once more. What?

PRESTON
Shut your fucking hairy meal teeth and give me your car NOW!

CHAMBERS
Just give him the keys man!

HOWARD
Isn’t that the dude from the jewelry store?

CHAMBERS
Yeah, it is.

JUSTIN
How the fuck did he find us?

JUSTIN pulls his keys out of his pocket and throws them over to PRESTON. PRESTON grabs them and runs out of the house screaming like a washing machine. Once more the three criminals are left dumbfounded and staring at each other not knowing what to say. There is another knock at the door. HOWARD gets up to answer it, cracking his knuckles on his way over to the door. When he opens it, TUTTON pushes him aside easily and walks into their hideout. 

TUTTON
Okay, you guys are starting to piss me off. Last warning to keep it down over here.

JUSTIN
Sorry. Some psycho just barged in here and stole our car keys at gunpoint.
TUTTON
Are you shitting me?

JUSTIN
No.

TUTTON
(laughs) Why don’t you go file a police report!

JUSTIN
Ha ha very funny.

TUTTON
Seriously. Keep it down over here. I’m not kidding.

TUTTON pushes HOWARD out of his way once more on his way out. 

JUSTIN
Alright, I have a plan to get our car back.

Cutaways show JUSTIN’s plan as he explains it.

JUSTIN
I’ll take our other car to the jewelry store, make sure there’s no cops there. I’ll make my way in and pretend that I’m a cop myself. Ask the owner some questions about that junky that just robbed us and find out where he lives. Kill him and get the car back. Howard, you’re coming with me.

CHAMBERS is left alone in the house as JUSTIN and HOWARD go out on their mission. They come back sometime later, and surprise CHAMBERS when they do. They come through the front door holding a woman that he has never seen before. Her ankles and wrists are tied with duct tape and there is also a strip across her mouth keeping her quiet. HOWARD drops her into a chair in the hideout.

CHAMBERS
Who’s she?

JUSTIN
She’s that junkie’s wife.

HOWARD rips the tape off her mouth, and she screams from the pain.

WIFE
My husband’s not a junky, I don’t know what you people are talking about!
JUSTIN
That dork that works at the jewelry store! He stole our car today!

WIFE
Preston wouldn’t do that!

JUSTIN
Well he did, and you need to help us find him!

JUSTIN pulls out a phone.

JUSTIN
What’s his number?

The WIFE gives it to him and JUSTIN dials. It rings quite a few times, and there is a cutaway to PRESTON slumped in the front seat of the car that he stole, foaming from the mouth and apparently dead from an overdose of drugs. The ringing goes to his answering machine.

JUSTIN
Listen up. We have your wife. We’ll trade you for our car back, no guns, no trouble. You understand? Here talk to your wife.

JUSTIN puts the phone to the WIFE, and she starts screaming hysterically. JUSTIN pulls the phone away and hangs it up. He immediately starts screaming back at her, and a large amount of noise is caused in general. HOWARD finally springs into action. He grabs a golf club from a set that is sitting in the corner and clocks the WIFE with it. The WIFE immediately slumps in the chair. HOWARD then runs over to the front door and hides behind it. CHAMBERS and JUSTIN watch him, not really sure what he is doing. After several awkward seconds, TUTTON marches through.

TUTTON
That’s it, you’re all….

He doesn’t get to finish what he is saying, because HOWARD clobbers him with the club as well. TUTTON drops to the floor lifelessly. The three criminals look at each other awkwardly for a few seconds until JUSTIN goes and checks the pulses of the WIFE and TUTTON. 

JUSTIN
We have a problem.


CHAMBERS
Oh, don’t tell me.

JUSTIN
You’ve got a hell of a swing there Howard. You ever try out for the PGA? 

HOWARD
What’s the PGA?

JUSTIN
Nevermind. We’ve got to take care of these bodies before we have bigger problems on our hands.

CHAMBERS
Too bad we already do.

JUSTIN
What are you talking about.

CHAMBERS
The cop’s kid.

JUSTIN
Shit. Okay. Listen, I’m gonna need you to take care of the kid, before Arnold Palmer goes for another hole in one.

HOWARD
Who’s Arnold Palmer?

CHAMBERS
Take care of the kid? Like, take care of him?

JUSTIN
No, idiot. Just get him out of here. We can’t have him knowing that we just iced his dad.

CHAMBERS
Where am I gonna take him?

JUSTIN
I don’t care. Go buy him ice cream or something. Use your imagination.

CHAMBERS makes his way next door and rings the doorbell. The KID answers. The KID is sniffing his nose and wiping boogers off of his face using his sleeve, and just being all around gross in general, like sick kids usually are.


CHAMBERS
Hey kid, I’m a friend of your dad. He was called away to a crime scene. He said he was real sorry, and asked me to take you to get ice cream to make up for it.

KID
For real? He is always doing stuff like that. That’s why my mom divorced him. 

Cut to CHAMBERS driving the KID around town. The KID is digging into some ice cream Will Smith style.

KID
I can’t even taste this.

CHAMBERS
What flavor is it?

KID
I said I can’t taste it!

CHAMBERS
You don’t remember what you ordered?

KID
NO.

CHAMBERS
Jesus Christ. Why can’t you taste it.

KID
Because I have a cold.

CHAMBERS
You’re sick?

KID
Yeah.

CHAMBERS
Why don’t you take some medicine?

KID
I don’t have any. I haven’t gone to the doctor.

CHAMBERS
You don’t need to go to the doctor to get medicine kid.

The DEALER answers a knock at his door. It is CHAMBERS and the KID. 
DEALER
Hey man what’s up?

CHAMBERS
Hey dude.

DEALER
Whachu got a kid for?

CHAMBERS
He’s sick. You got some cold and flu medicine for him?

DEALER
Yeah man, bring him on in.

The DEALER goes over to a cabinet that is filled with all different types of medicine and picks one out for the KID. CHAMBERS and the KID make their way over to the couch, where the KID spots a videogame controller on the ground. 

KID
Oh man awesome!

The KID jumps on the couch and picks up the controller and starts playing. The DEALER walks up to CHAMBERS with the medicine. 

CHAMBERS
Hey man, you think I can leave him here for a while?

DEALER
You want to leave the kid here?

CHAMBERS 
Yeah man.

DEALER
Is it your kid?

CHAMBERS
Nah.

DEALER
Yeah I guess that’s ok. 

CHAMBERS
Alright sweet. Talk to you later man.

CHAMBERS leaves. The DEALER sits on the couch and picks up another game controller and starts playing with the KID.
JUSTIN and HOWARD are unloading the two bodies that are now wrapped in spare bed sheets, and dumping them in a very grimy disgusting looking river.

MR. HAMGROVE is sitting behind his desk back in the jewelry store. He is in a very bad mood and talking to someone on the phone.

MR. HAMGROVE
I talked to the police today, and it turns out that one of the FUCKS that robbed me actually had the BALLS to apply here for a job the day before.

CHAMBERS walks through the front door of the store and looks around.

MR. HAMGROVE
I gotta go, there’s someone in the store. Bye.

HAMGROVE hangs up the phone and walks out into the front of the store.

HAMGROVE
Is there something I can help you with?

CHAMBERS
Yeah actually, I applied here for a job two days ago, I was wondering if anyone in charge had gotten a chance to go over my application?

HAMGROVE
Oh really? Actually, yes, I did have a chance to look it over. Are you available to do an interview?

CHAMBERS
Sure.

HAMGROVE
When would you be available?

CHAMBERS
Uhh, I don’t know, now I guess?

HAMGROVE
Great, come on back in my office.

HAMGROVE motions for CHAMBERS to come into his office and steps out of his way so that he can go first. When CHAMBERS back is turned from HAMGROVE, HAMGROVE grabs a wooden cane that is leaning up against a display counter and cracks CHAMBERS in the back of the head with it. 

The KID and the DEALER are still playing games when the KID drops his controller.

KID
I’m bored. Is there anything else to do around here?

DEALER
I don’t know. Not really.

KID
Let’s play hide and seek!

DEALER
Uhh, okay.

KID
I’ll hide first.

DEALER
Sounds good.

The KID goes and hides while the DEALER starts counting. As he counts, he lights up a bong and starts puffing on it like Ronald Reagan style. After he counts to a random number he gets up and starts looking around for the kid. After several minutes of not being able to find him, he lazily falls asleep in an awkward position.

CHAMBERS wakes up zip tied to a pipe in a small cramped closet in the jewelry store. HAMGROVE is red faced and tired, but triumphant. 

HAMGROVE
Where’s are the other two FUCKS that robbed me?

CHAMBERS
If I tell you will you let me out of here?

HAMGROVE
I will consider it, yes.

CHAMBERS
They’re at 41 Rope Lane. In town.

HAMGROVE
Excellent.

HAMGROVE shuts CHAMBERS in the closet, with no light on, plunging him into darkness. CHAMBERS’ screams go ignored as HAMGROVE collects his things and leaves.

HOWARD and JUSTIN make their way back to the hideout. HOWARD is clutching his stomach, and looks very sick.

JUSTIN
Why did you drink so much milk?

HOWARD
I don’t know. I’ve never killed anybody before.

JUSTIN
I’m going to ask you again, why did you drink so much milk?

HOWARD
I just told you.

JUSTIN
Did you eat a lot of paint when you were a child?

HOWARD is not able to answer, because he suddenly has the urge to run to the bathroom and throw up. He starts spewing as he rounds the corner of the bathroom and gets a lot of puke on the door and wall before he can redirect the rest into the toilet. As he keeps puking, a shotgun barrel pokes out of the curtain of the shower and aims right at his head. HOWARD finally stops puking and looks up to see it pointing at him. As a last ditch effort to escape, he plunges his head in the toilet. The shotgun aims lower and shoots the toilet bowl, and thus, HOWARD’s head. Blood, Puke, and Water start spilling everywhere as the toilet shatters and HOWARD’s body slumps to the floor. JUSTIN quickly runs up to the doorway.

JUSTIN
What the fuck…

Before he can finish talking, he gets shot in the chest and flies backwards into the wall behind him, and then hit’s the ground. HAMGROVE slides the curtain all the way open to reveal his smug grin. He surveys his victory, and steps out of the shower to leave. The water on the floor causes him to slip, and he falls backwards, smashing his spine on the edge of the tub. A loud crack rings out, and HAMGROVE slides to the floor, screaming in pain.

The DEALER gets shaken awake by the KID. He takes a few seconds to come to.

DEALER
What? What is it?

KID
Way to give up and not tell me!

DEALER
Sorry man, where were you hiding I couldn’t find you anywhere.

KID
I was under the sink.

DEALER
Oh man, that’s a good one.

KID
Why’d you leave all that candy down there?

DEALER
What candy?

KID
There was some blue candy under there. I was bored, so I ate it all. Now my stomach doesn’t feel good.

The DEALER goes over to the sink and looks for what the KID is talking about. He picks up a blue chewed up chunk. He looks back over to the KID with a look of horror on his face.

DEALER
How much of this didja eat?

KID
Four or five pieces I think.

The DEALER keeps looking at him with a horrified face.

KID
What?

Cut to the KID throwing up blood into the DEALER’s toilet. The DEALER is frantically calling somebody on his phone.

Cut to CHAMBERS tied up in the closet still. He has calmed down from his initial freak out, and is just starting to relax, when his phone starts ringing. He starts screaming and freaking out once more and doesn’t help his own situation. 
The DEALER gets CHAMBER’s answering machine. The sounds of the kid throwing up and being sick are heard in the background. 

DEALER
Hey listen man. This kid you dropped off is pretty stupid. He ate a bunch of rat poison, and he’s not doing so good. You gotta get over here and get him to a hospital.

The sounds of the KID being sick in the background cease. The DEALER goes over to check if he is okay.

DEALER
Hmmm. Never mind about the kid.

The DEALER hangs up the phone and looks around. Cut to an exterior of a building. A small body tied in a spare bed sheet with blood stains dripping down the front is thrown from a window that is very high up, and lands in a dumpster down below with a loud thud.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

HAMGROVE is still laying on the bathroom floor of the hideout, except now he is laying in a puddle of his own waste, and still surrounded by the bloody pukey water. A lot of the blood where it is dry has begun to harden. HAMGROVE turns his head and tries to nibble some of the dry blood off the floor, but is unsuccessful. He turns his head the other way and licks some of the pukey water off the floor for sustenance. Only one of his arms is working, and just barely. He swings it down to his other arm and positions his useless arm so that it is leaning up against the wall, with the hand hanging down. He then pulls a lighter out of his pocket and puts it up to his useless hand. He slowly roasts the pinky on his hand that is not working, crying the entire time he does so. As he is still crying, he pulls his cooked pinky towards him and starts gnawing on it. 

Outside the closet you can still hear CHAMBERS screaming and crying, except he sounds much, much weaker. The screaming finally stops, and the shot lingers on the closet for a few moments before the movie ends.